


This is Joe Dirt 2, Not Some Cheap Horror Movie

by nevercomestheday



Series: David and Deidra- Married Life [5]
Category: David Spade - Fandom
Genre: Aliens, Attempted Murder, Blood, Blood and Violence, Drink Spiking, F/M, Joe Dirt 2, Married Couple, Stomach Ache, incubus
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-20
Updated: 2014-10-20
Packaged: 2018-02-21 23:01:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,267
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2485424
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nevercomestheday/pseuds/nevercomestheday
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>David brings Deidra along to the first day of shooting Joe Dirt 2.</p>
            </blockquote>





	This is Joe Dirt 2, Not Some Cheap Horror Movie

**Author's Note:**

> This was so fun to write, oh my goodness. This was such a fun Halloween prompt! =D

 Deidra couldn't believe her eyes. It felt like she'd stepped into a new world. One minute they were in sunny Los Angeles, the next they were in what looked like a rundown rural town. David had been gushing about Joe Dirt 2 for weeks now, and he was so excited to be filming. Today was the first day of shooting, and it seemed like everyone on the set had the jitters.

As they walked in, David made sure to introduce everyone to his wife, beaming each time he said her name and patting her on the shoulder with pride. Everyone was so friendly to Deidra. The crew, the interns, and especially the other actors.

Deidra remembered Brittany Daniel from when they filmed the first Joe Dirt, and while she wasn't thrilled having to watch her husband kiss someone else, she was glad it was someone so kind. She knew she could trust Brittany, and last time around, they'd gotten to be friends. This was all before she and David were married, of course, but Brittany had still respected her as though they were already man and wife.

“Look, honey, there's Brittany!” Deidra smiled and pointed the blonde actress out to her husband.

“Oh good, let's go say hello.” David responded.

They walked over to the other side of the set to find Brittany thanking a young intern for her coffee. The intern had long, black hair and was very tall and very thin.

“Hey you guys! How's the baby?” Brittany asked, remembering Jessica from the emails she'd exchanged with Deidra just weeks before.

“She's doing great, and getting so big! It's crazy how babies grow.” Deidra pulled out her phone as she spoke, opening the photos app and showing Brittany pictures of her daughter.

“Yeah, being a dad is pretty great so far. Oh, there she is her first time trying solid food, look at that! What a mess! Ah, she's so cute.” David laughed as he recalled feeding Jessica her first meal of mushed bananas.

The intern nudged Brittany, a rude if cloudy look over her face. “Uh, Brittany,” she half-whispered, “aren't you going to introduce me to your dashing leading man?” She looked at David and batted her eyes. She didn't acknowledge Deidra at all.

“Oh, uh, sorry. Dave, Deidra, this is Ivy. She's a friend of my cousin.” Brittany sounded a bit confused.

“Hi,” David said.

“Nice to meet you,” Deidra said, extending a hand.

Ivy completely ignored Deidra's gesture and turned to David. “Hello, David. Can I call you that? Or how about Davy?” She smiled, but it was dark.

“Uh, just David is fine.” He looked at his wife incredulously.

“Of course. You're so professional. I've never been on a movie set before. Care to show me around? Your, uh, wife seems preoccupied enough.” She shot a look to Deidra, who was looking up from showing Brittany another photo.

David sighed and looked at Brittany. She shrugged as if to say, “What can I tell you?” She actually said, “That sounds like a fun idea, doesn't it David?”

“I guess so, sure... Deidra, you don't mind, right?” David asked.

“No, that's fine. Have a good time.” Though she was uneasy about this strange, dark woman, she trusted her husband.

“Oh, wonderful! Let's go, David.” Ivy clung on to David's arm, pulling him along toward one of the trailers.

 

After a little while, Brittany was called to makeup. Deidra stayed behind, taking a few pictures and watching everyone work. It was pretty amazing, being on a movie set. Everyone was so active. The place was like a beehive, buzzing with activity. Across the set, she could see David walking to the makeup trailer, looking uneasy. Ivy was still wrapped around his arm, flirting up a storm.

“Are you kidding me?” Deidra mumbled under her breath.

“Mrs. Spade! Can I get you anything?” A voice from behind her startled her out of her thoughts.

“Oh, I'm okay, thank you.” She was a bit embarrassed, but she had forgotten this particular grip's name. She knew she'd met him before, but she couldn't remember his name.

“Okay, but if you need anything, just ask!” He bounded off to help someone else.

 _Hmm. I think I'll go check on Davy in makeup,_ Deidra thought.

 

As she walked into the trailer, she saw her husband being fitted with a wig and false facial hair. Next to him, big surprise, was Ivy, talking up a storm. As soon as she saw Deidra, she stopped speaking and walked out of the trailer.

“That was weird. Hi, honey!” David smiled up at his wife from the chair.

“Hi sweetheart. What was that all about? Do I smell or something?” Deidra laughed.

“Just like sweetness,” David said as he stood up to kiss his wife.

“Hey, careful!” Deidra said in a fit of giggles, “Your fake beard is scratchy!”

 

They sat and talked for a bit while the makeup team made David up as Joe Dirt. Ivy walked back in silently while David was in the middle of a joke.

“So the bartender says to the guy- Oh, Ivy, I didn't hear you come in.” He looked a bit disappointed.

“Hello, David! You look fantastic, even as Joe Dirt! Oh, hi Deidra. I brought you something to drink. I figured you'd be thirsty.” She feigned a smile.

“Oh, thank you. I am pretty thirsty,” Deidra remarked. “Uh... what exactly is it?” She looked down into the cup and frowned. It was something orange, and it was fizzing a little. It definitely wasn't any soda she'd ever seen before.

“Just some lemonade with orange, it's really good! I added some bubbly water to it, that's why it looks fizzy.” Ivy looked suspicious, but Deidra missed the cue. She didn't think Ivy was evil. Dark, maybe, mysterious, sure, flirty, no doubt, but not evil.

“Thanks...” Deidra took a few sips and sighed. It just tasted like regular lemonade. She couldn't even taste the orange. She was beginning to think the orange referred to the color when she heard David being called to do the first scene.

“Good luck!” both Deidra and Ivy exclaimed. Deidra looked at her with surprise; Ivy looked at Deidra with malice.

“Good luck, sweetie,” Deidra said again.

David winked at her and walked out to start shooting.

 

After a few takes, Deidra was beginning to feel a bit off. Her stomach was churning and aching. She figured she may have caught a little bug, or maybe it was something she ate last night, but wow was she dizzy. Deidra began to feel as though something was pushing on the inside of her stomach.

“Uhh...” She blinked and shook her head. “David? Honey?” She walked over to him. He was discussing a line with the director.

“What's the matter, babe?” A worried look crossed his face.

“Something's...” She shuddered and clutched her stomach. “I think I have to go home or something... I've got the worst stomach ache...”

“Do you need to throw up or something? Oh, sweetheart, here, let me help you.”

“No, no I don't need to...” She groaned. “I think I just need to lie down.”

“Can we take a break for a few minutes? I'll be back in a bit.” David was already asking the director.

“Sure, no problem.” The director looked a bit nervous.

 

In David's trailer, Deidra laid herself down on the couch and moaned. She reached to hold her stomach, and immediately pulled her hand back up in shock.

“Davy, feel my stomach. I swear I just felt a hand or something in there!” She felt so stupid saying it. It just didn't seem real, or possible.

David put his hand on his wife's belly, then recoiled just as she had. “Holy shit... You're not kidding!” He pulled her shirt up a bit to reveal her abdomen, and lo and behold, before his very eyes, he saw tiny _paws_ pushing and kicking around his wife's upper belly. His face went white.

“What the hell is going on?!” Deidra asked between groans. She was beginning to scream. She could feel whatever it was in there scratching and clawing at her insides. She started to gag as the creature pushed an arm up into her esophagus.

“Deidra, I don't know what's happening. I'm gonna go get an ambulance, okay? They have paramedics on site for shooting... Don't move! Don't go anywhere!” David frantically ran out of the trailer and rushed to get help.

Deidra's head spun. She was gagging so much that she spat up a bit into her hand, and when she looked into it, she nearly fainted. Blood.

 

While David was getting help, Ivy slipped into the trailer and next to Deidra.

“Hey there,” she said sardonically. “How you doing, champ? You okay?” Her tone was mocking and patronizing. She could've just as well said “RUDE” a few times aloud and made the same point.

“Not well,” Deidra moaned.

“Oh, that's too bad. You'll leave poor Davy a widower, and he'll have to find some way to go on without you... What a shame, a darn shame... It sure is good he knows someone perfect for the role. Young, beautiful, already loves him, and a damn good mother, if I may say. That kid of yours is real cute... Well, half of her is, anyway. Oh well. Davy and I can always have more. I am in my most fertile years now...” She shifted from dark and sarcastic to dreamy and back again.

Deidra tried to respond, tried to say something, anything, but she just coughed up more blood. She sputtered and choked.

“Shh, don't try and fight it. That little bug you've caught sure is nasty. It's probably really rare, too. That's a shame. They probably won't know what it is if you make it to the hospital, and by the time they figure it out- that is, if they can- you'll already be cold. Damn shame, isn't it? Just a damn shame.” She shook her head, feigning melancholy.

“I'll...” Deidra gasped. “I'll be fine...” She coughed again, nearly losing consciousness.

Ivy sat next to her and put a condescending hand on her shoulder. She opened her mouth to say something, but David walked in with some paramedics before she got the chance.

“Oh, David! I'm so glad you're here! I just saved your poor wife from choking on her own blood! She's in really bad shape. I'm scared, David! What if it's contagious?” Ivy jumped up and grabbed David again, pretending to be fearful.

David brushed her off and moved to his wife's side. The doctors were pulling her up on a stretcher and moving her to a gurney outside. Deidra was fitted with an oxygen mask and was plugged into an IV before she knew it, and soon she and David were riding in the ambulance to the nearest hospital.

 

Deidra was already so weak. She drifted in and out of consciousness, hearing bits and pieces of conversation around her.

“I don't know what the hell it is!”

“We'll have to cut it out of her before it breaks free itself.”

“We'll need someone on hand to kill it as soon as it's out of there.”

“She's lost a lot of blood, get me a transfusion!”

“What's her type?”

“Okay, we can sedate her now. Get the iodine ready.”

“Notify the husband of the operation. Get a physical on him so we know this is isolated.”

 

Deidra went out like a light. She had the strangest dream. Everything was floating around her, and she saw Ivy with David. He kept pushing her away, and she kept trying to pull him in. It was surreal.

 

“Shh, she's waking up! She's waking up! Oh, thank God. Deidra, honey, are you okay?” David sat, holding his wife's hand in his. He wiped tears from his face.

“Huh?” Deidra was so confused.

“Sweetheart, I almost lost you! I'm so glad you made it. They found the most hideous thing in your stomach!”

“What?” She began to remember. “Oh yeah... What was that?”

“They don't know! They're sending it with the CIA! The doctor described it as a weird purple thing, like a blob with nine arms and legs and a razor sharp tail. You're going to be fed through a tube for a while because of all the damage that thing did, but you're gonna be okay. And I promise I'll stay with you until you can go home.” David sighed. “I'm just so glad you're okay.”

“I think...” Deidra paused. She didn't want to sound paranoid. “I think Ivy put something in my drink...”

“That's what I told the authorities. They've already taken her in for questioning, and they found the cup you drank from. It's lucky you didn't finish all of it. They're going to test the leftovers.”

Deidra put her head back on the pillow and exhaled. “I'm just glad this ordeal is over. I feel terrible.”

“Don't worry, sweetie. I'm delaying production on the movie until you're better.”

“Oh, but the fans...”

“Hey, don't worry! It didn't have a release date yet anyway. We're not disappointing anyone. And don't worry, Sandler's the one who told them we're on a delay anyway, and no one questions the producer.”

Deidra laughed softly and winced. “I'm so sore.”

“You will be for a little while. But everything will be okay.” David kissed his wife's forehead and smiled. “You know,” he said, “with all the blood left in the trailer, you'd think we were filming a cheap horror flick in there instead of a comedy!”


End file.
